Alexandra Hurt

MY STORY

“Twelve to eighteen months” he said, as if randomly picking lottery numbers from a hat.  I felt as if my brain had left my body as I sat there dumbstruck and stunned. Maybe I should go around smashing up mirrors? Would I get seven years of bad luck for everyone I broke? If I broke just one, I would live to forty-nine! I would take that! 

A stage four cancer diagnosis is frightening for anyone but especially when your children are very little and still need a mother. Getting married to my amazing husband and having two beautiful children has been my greatest achievement ever, so losing this dream is a devastating prospect. 

When this imaginary timeline is presented to you with a definite ending that is so imminent, it begins to feel mind-blowingly paralysing. There is no other way to explain it. In the early days of diagnosis, the days were long and very lonely. Crippling exhaustion brought on sleepless nights which became deathly quiet and torturous as my brain processed my fate and thought up gruelling scenarios of the future.   

To say I was terrified was an understatement, my life just stopped! Days numbed, whilst everybody else’s just continued as if nothing was wrong. 

I then met Mr Yes, a new consultant who came into my life at the eleventh hour. He had so much hope and faith not only for me but confidence and eviction in himself as a surgeon. His confident and kind demeanour was compelling. Within minutes of meeting Mr Yes, a huge sense of calm and relief swept through us. That night I slept a solid eight hours and awoke refreshed and calm. It’s amazing what a little bit of faith, confidence and hope can do to calm the human spirit. Very quickly a plan was put into place and the calmness of trust and a feeling of complete security prevailed. This was now out of my hands and in the safety of my amazing medical team.

Once I broke the silence to my family and friends the overwhelming love and support that started to flow in was immense. The old saying “It takes a village” is so true.  I called them my Army. Angels walking on earth. Despite the seriousness of my situation, I gained this amazing inner strength which came with a colossal amount of calm.  

Fourteen months later, I’m sitting on a soft sandy beach at the edge of the aquamarine Aegean Sea, the waves swooshing gently back and forth, the sun melting into the horizon as the sea swallows it up leaving behind an orange mirror reflecting back to me at the shore. With a cocktail in my hand and my ever so handsome and equally as kind husband by my side, I sigh and smile. I’m alive!  I feel so lucky to be relatively well, experiencing this bucket list dream! 

We wander down the sandy garden path from our traditional sugar cube Cycladic villa to the soft sandy beach. The early morning brings a peaceful silence, the sensory overload is invigorating. Dry scents of cypress and cedar trees, wild origanum and rosemary fill the air and the sun gently warms my body.  The Aegean Sea is a flat pale-pink hue which reflects like glass as it ripples gently with a swoosh to the shore. I sip my freshly brewed coffee and think about the year that has been.  I feel loved, safe and at peace and I count my blessings as I think about how lucky I am and how many people love and support me. I gaze at my children as they dip in and out of the sea and am thrilled that I am a part of this moment with them, making memories. 

It is a rather autumnal afternoon, the red kites are shew-shew-shewing in the distance, the clock is ticking confidently in the kitchen as silence fills the room.  The evenings have started to draw in and there’s a definite chill in the air, a poignant reminder to me of another season starting, of life moving forward. It’s hard to imagine that the beach is still there, right now – this very moment. The waves still swooshing back and forth, the sun still melting into the sea, the Naxian pebbles still lying on the golden sand. Life continues with or without us.

Another month passes and I’ve had my birthday. Why do we not want to grow older? Growing old is a privilege!  I want to grow old with my husband, have the opportunity of watching my children flourish and thrive and see how they grow into adults. I don’t hide the fact that it’s my birthday, in fact I rejoice in it and have a big party, invite all my friends, and celebrate life. 

Every year in the front of my diary I write my mantra of the 4 Ds. I found this about eight years ago on a social media page and it really struck a chord with me.  The first D is Do: if you can do it, do it straight away. The second D is Delegate: if you can’t do it, delegate it. Ask a friend or family member and you will be amazed at how many people are willing to help; there’s no need to stress and make your life difficult if you can’t do it but someone else can. The more people that help each other out, the more the help will flow in a cycle, keep paying it forward not back. The third D is Defer: if you can’t do it or delegate it, defer it and, lastly, if that doesn’t work, the fourth D is Delete. Make your life simple as it probably doesn’t matter; if it was important you would have done it on your first D! Life is far too short to worry about insignificancies. My best piece of advice: I often go from Do to Delete in one fell swoop. Try it, it’s exhilarating!  

I dare not be so bold as to say that the insight of “LIFE” that cancer has given me is a gift. It has however taught me to see how fragile life actually is and that it’s not guaranteed to any one of us, diagnosis or not. We smugly live our lives as if we’re indestructible. Maybe that’s a good thing in hindsight, but when the sun shines, there’s a brief chill in the air, you see a beautiful full moon or a beautiful sunset, hear crunching leaves under your feet, smell freshly baked bread and when you cuddle your children or family and feel that closeness, savour every moment and feeling. None of us know how long that will last. If I could bottle this knowledge of fragility and wisdom and make a potion and sell it, I’d be the next millionaire. 

So my potion is my story. My gratitude goes to my family, friends and amazing healthcare team. Love and laugh more, and ask for help – I promise you most people will say yes. Delete things that aren’t necessary and make you stressed and if you can be anything in life, BE KIND.